the others

On June 16th Steve would have turned 38 years old.

He was not alone in his early departure.

Alexander Berman passed away last night from complications of an allo transplant for Hodgkins. Barely 35 years old, he left behind an amazing legacy of two young boys and a wife who has to continue picking up the pieces. Alex was a leader for Steve, having his transplant prior to Steve.  Brannan was a rock for me, guiding me through the unknown with such strength, confidence and even humor.  I am so very angry that Steve had to lead Alex this time, both having left way too early.

My memories of the first days and weeks following Steve’s death are blurred, but yet distinct. People would say things that I thought were so inappropriate and in retrospect I realize they just didn’t know what to say. Now my time has come to say something to Brannan and I, too, have nothing comforting to say.  Because, there is nothing to say that will take away that pain and devastating emptiness. The true understanding of shock and numb are learned.

People recognized my support of Steve.

People will recognize Brannan. For she deserves to know that she made Alex’s life way different then it would have been without her and, he her as well.  He wrote in his very last blog post “Well, if I chose to stay alive, God willing, fought for it in order to be there for them (twin boys), including my wife, then that has been my prime motivation for recovery. The slog of it.” 

I know what it is to surrender every part of yourself over and dedicate your purpose to help someone have not only life, but a quality of life.  I know the years of terror. I know the happy days of relishing in a mundane activity of just being able to eat a meal together as a “family” or not being at a doctor or hospital for just one day.  There’s so much there. So much going on and then suddenly, there is nothing in a second.

But yet, I only know part of what she went through. I know that she has to go home and face two young boys and tell them that their daddy is gone. This I cannot even fathom. Steve would have been so mad. I am so mad.

Brannan you are incredible. I know you think this not at all about you right now, but you are nothing short of amazing.  I remember the day after Steve died. You called me to see how I was and to express your sorrow. I was profoundly blown away by your grace and strength in your ability to face death knowing it was a strong possibility in your future.

Alex was nothing short of a bionic masterpiece. A combination of humor, dedication, strength, perseverance, love, peace, grace and innocent vulnerability. Alex and you had an understanding of love, care and dedication. A bond that many never experience. It is a great great gift, making it so much harder now that you’ve been robbed.  But you will never be robbed of the lessons you’ve learned from one another or the memories. I love you so very much.

Fuck you cancer.