Love

You have one dark brown eye & you have one light brown eye. I like them, a lot. Look how cute you are; how full of strength, love and happiness.

I’ve walked past that building so many times in my years. Throughout college it wasn’t there, but there was one like just across the street. One where new life blossomed and other lives were short lived or tired. At the time it wasn’t me. I didn’t put much thought to it.  They were buildings where things happened to others, not me.

But tonight, I walked away from them. My back hurt. It felt heavy, guilty, sad. I wanted to turn back and look, but I just couldn’t. I left you. Left you there and I couldn’t do anything to help you. New pajamas pants, food that you can’t tolerate, funny pictures for the walls, all waning attempts to make it ‘home’. But, all you want is not to feel trapped. Trapped by poisons, pain, and 4 walls.

The feelings of guilt and pain are temporary, but yet so heavy and so strong. For tomorrow I know I will see you in person and your face will ignite my soul and bring me a happiness that cannot be replicated elsewhere. No material item, no meal, no new clothing item can replicate that feeling. Home is you.

Something happened when I met you, loved you and you become sick.  Love for me has changed.  I cannot explain love to other people. It’s different for everyone. There is that new love where everything is fresh; decorating, nesting, making a ‘home’ together. There is the jealous “love” with a false sense of (in)security. There is the love that is felt when someone makes you feel special. It is all relative.

New love was short lived for us. Life happened. Cancer happened. However, I am fortunate, yet unfortunate, to have found an incredible priceless love for you. One that can hurt so deep when I think it may not exist one day. I cannot explain to anyone how it feels to see someone you love in such a dark place. But one that is so incredible that I am in awe myself. Those lingering doubts, trivial anxieties and annoyances seem like a very distant memory. Forever, felt gone. My life is in your life, your survival, just you being. Hopefully those ordinary irritations return one day, then I will know you are here to stay so I can watch you grow old, very old.

Tonight you wanted to know why I never vent or express my fears. Well the only answer I have is that I’m lying. There are days of overwhelming fear that I will lose the only person I have ever chosen to love. You’re not a biological love. You’re not a fake love. I chose you. There are so many reasons why I did. But now there are so many more reasons why I continue to love you. If you only knew how much more, because you are…

If people only could see your strength. You never complain. You never give up. 18 months later. Countless doctors, surgeries, chemo days, transfusions, poked, dehumanized, radiation, scans, days of anxious waiting… Many would pull the covers up and hide, but not you. You still find the time to send me a note of gratitude; be involved in your graduate studies; remember a friend in need or a birthday. I don’t think I’d do the same. I am proud. But I am sad that it is you for this.

I want to somehow show you how much I love you, but I cannot seem to get it out. I don’t know if you really understand. You have built me a home. You have made me feel safe for the first time in my life. You have made me feel truly loved and you do it by choice, not because you have to do it.

My life. My Story. Nothing without you. You have changed me forever. And this will soon be a distant memory. I know this. And you are NOT holding me back. You are me and it all is negligible without you.