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the race
History is a race between education and catastrophe
-H. G. Wells
A confession. I am not a vicious reader. However, I may possibly be the most ferocious reader of book jackets and reviews. The evidence can be found in the three foot pile sitting next to my bed, composed of anything from fiction to biography to “bettering your business” to “how to color in the lines”.
Occasionally, I do fail at avoidance.
I actually pick up a book and read past the inside cover. Once the journey begins and I’ve been captured by my prey, I’ve been known to sit for hours and days straight until I finish an entire book. Yes really, one whole book. Recently, I finished Three Cups of Tea in 2 sittings. (If you haven’t read this, it’s a must). To some this is no incredible feat, but for me it’s unheard of to be able to sit still for more than 20 minutes without some type of electronic gadget or my phone in hand.
Until recently, I’ve been trying to find something to match this masterpiece. Something to avoid attacking my guilty pile of book jackets. I found it the other day and of course it’s by the same author Greg Mortenson.
Primary education is a requirement in the United States.
Primary education in some other countries is a luxury. It is something fought for. It is something that elderly men will give up their lives fighting for. Something that young women are destroyed for. Local men will hike with 90lb bags of cement, 18 miles upriver in order to create a foundation for educating their youth. It is that important to them. The thirst for knowledge. The thirst to read.
Meanwhile, my 3 foot stack remains untouched, unread. My guilt can often creep in and hypocrisy strikes. In one moment I neglect the education at my fingertips, in the next I advocate those who fight for growth.
I was thinking of the little girls I’ve photograph and how they are protected and nurtured. Parents treasuring their innocence wanting to capture every little moment. Amazed by their first words, the first time they put letters together and read a word. Learning at such a young age to read, paint, communicate, color, dress up, explore and laugh freely. Able to roam freely. Able to experience an education. Able to dream.
We live in such an incredible country. And cheesy as it may be, I’m proud to be American. And I’m so fortunate to be able to see the next generation grow and discover.
Equally so, I am proud of people like Greg Mortenson who share that freedom and spread it across country lines. One day I hope I can pay my education forward. For now I will attempt to race over to that gigantic pile of books and get past the front cover before a ‘catastrophe’ happens and the pile falls on me whilst sleeping.
Mountains can never reach each other, despite their bigness. But humans can.
-afghan proverb
america
to many america is more than just a place that they were fortunate to enter the world. more than a place where one can create a life of financial, religious, political freedoms.
to many it provided an escape from the opposite of life. a freedom from unfathomable persecution.
my friend made this documentary about his mother’s life. it has oscar buzz. i hope it wins.
Ingelore: A film by Frank Stiefel from Frank Stiefel on Vimeo.
Once I…
I read someone’s twitter yesterday that every minute is exactly 1 year from that minute last year, so make every moment count and stop making only yearly resolutions.
No resolutions here.
I know what you’re thinking, Yeah right, Jen is completely and constantly motivated. Always living each day to the fullest and doesn’t need to set goals. I think not. And, yes I know you’re not thinking that, au contraire…. Instead, you’re really thinking, bah humbug, ms negativity. And, you’re right.
Around here, things don’t exactly run like a daily Tony Robbins Seminar. A typical DickBerry (yes that’s our hollywood mash up name combo of dickter/berry) day changes on a moments notice or a good night’s sleep. Accomplishments are either determined by the simple question of ‘what should we do today’ or based on a physical feeling… waking up in a good mood, aka “motivated” or a bad mood, dreadfully “lazy”.
I don’t want to be self righteous or wordy in this post. I want to say that 2009 basically sucked on some levels. But, simultaneously, it was a a year of evolution for Steve and I. Marriage, shifts in sentiments about careers, connections with amazing people. Throughout last year “once i…” was phrase that engulfed our vocabulary. Once I beat Cancer. Once I finish this commercial. Once I get through October 1st. Once January 1st, 2010 arrives and Steve is better. Once 2009 is over we’ll be able to have small talk with people. Once I have time I’ll blog.
For some reason in 2009, a year became important. We set a date for January 1, 2010 for the big transition back to normalcy. Well yesterday (in case you didn’t know) that date came. And, although Steve is cancer free right now, he’s not 100 percent. I know healing will come in one way or another. And if it doesn’t we will adapt, because what’s the alternative. And, what is normalcy. There is no one on this earth that lives without heartache; without sickness; without death. We are not immune. We are not special.
Well then the question arises of Why should I write a New Years Post then? The answer is… I had a good nights sleep. not really.
Think of it more as a reality check. Resolution, by very definition is a decision to do something or to behave in a certain manner. I don’t need January 1st to change the way I behave or some catastrophic event to stop the cycle of “once I…”. The year of 2009 was difficult. But it was also a year of realization that making a decision to “behave in a certain manner” doesn’t need to come from a date or a specific incident. The origins of change can occur in an instant; to anyone. And the change doesn’t need to be gigantic or socially impressive. It just needs to be true. True to your soul. True to your existence. It can be as small as waking up 2 minutes earlier and just staring outside to appreciate a cloud, a leaf, a beam of light. Or it can encompass an effort to treat others with respect. To make mends with someone lost. To reach out to someone who is broken. To put yourself others shoes, empathy.
Upon reflection, the lack of living in the moment and focusing on the future was a necessary survival for 2009. It allowed us to internally focus; to keep a clear head. It brought us introspection and appreciation for simplicity. It made us realize that having each other is priceless. It made us realize that we aren’t alone. We have incredible families and friends (true friends, people that call, write, send us cards, make time for a cup of coffee or wine). Yes we have goals. Yes they have changed and maybe for the best. Who knows. We are still trying to make sense of our experience. So much is out of our hands. What we can control is appreciation. Instead it is now, carpe momentum.
“keep dreaming!!! keep seeing the big picture and the beautiful little details of life along the way!!!
from my friend Ray who is a fighter and so courageous
pablove | fear
Warning. This is a long, but important post.
I remember it so distinctly. The pacing of the halls. I knew I should be in the room with him, holding his hand. He had refused. I had quickly accepted the safe route and thought the world outside his room would be less tumultuous (for me). For that day was the day that Steve would receive a bone marrow biopsy. Rumors of treacherous pains lead me to believe that I couldn’t watch. I felt guilty. Guilty that I wasn’t physically bedside. Either way, pain or not, there was a deeper issue at heart. The results. The unknown outcome. The inability to help. As Steve was experiencing this moment, I was in utter disbelieve and overwhelmed with helplessness. Had I remained bedside during the procedure, I would have worsened the situation. Instead, I chose to roam the hallways in search of some serenity or guidance.
Pacing up and down. Each time, tempted to look through the doorways into the unknown journey that many others had started before me. This was the oncology floor at UCLA Santa Monica Hospital. At first thoughts, not exactly a place of serenity and hope. Mixed feelings of intrigue, despair, guilt, and desperation overtook my entire being. The feelings so intense that my heart actually ached. A rare feeling that I had falsely experienced in my younger years. A feeling so strong that it overcomes your entire being. I had heard of people who have collapsed, fainted, or felt dizzy while experiencing this state. But, in the past cynicism had always ruled my thoughts making this feeling seemingly gratuitous and unlikely. However, I was wrong. This time it was unlike any other emotion I had felt. True fear, true despair. For the first time in my life I understood the real meaning of a word. Not only did I understand it, I felt it. Fear, the “feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.” I remember this day distinctly. It was the day I cried, alone, on my home late in the evening. I wasn’t sure I would be able to drive home that day. I knew what it meant to be physically paralyzed by emotion. For someone that has always be in control of emotion, this was unlike anything I had experienced. This day I felt something that only someone threatened with the loss of a loved one, can understand. I felt things like these:
“life altering”
“to feel helpless is devastating”
“possibility of them not being with you”
“every single time they are tired, you have to take it seriously”
“amazed at the generosity of others, but you’d give it up in a second to not see your child suffer”
These are all words spoken by mothers of children with cancer. And, although, I experienced a spouse with cancer, these words resonant with me. As I watched the clip below, I again felt each single word as it is spoken. Throughout the past year, I have met so many amazing people. People that you wish you’d met under different circumstances. We’ve had good friends fight cancer, some winning, some unfortunate and some still fighting. Our very close friend has been fighting Melanoma for almost 2 years now. Originally, not expected to live, he has now had one clear PET scan, but recently reoccurring in his spine and brain. Regardless he has made it this far with the support of others. Friends, family, research and even those he doesn’t know. He emailed me 2 days ago, “life is funny, sad, shocking, raw, amazing, and full of surprises. I love life!!!!” … this just 3 days after brain surgery. He has a true appreciation for friends, family, support and an immense love for his doctors and their dedication to research. I don’t want to get into the politics of health care. But, I do want to address the need for help. Help of people’s daily experiences. Help for research. Help for making people’s journeys as comfortable as relatively possible.
It is with this that I ask for your support. MY DONATION LINK (click here)
Cancer research has helped Steve survive. Years ago he would have passed. I realize there are so many charities in need. But for some reason I am so drawn to one local, becoming International, grass roots charity. Lead by Jeff Castelaz & Jo Ann Thrailkill., Pablove directly benefits Childrens Hospital LA. Unfortunately, their son Pablo lost his battle at the heart wrenching young age of 6. But, they are still so thankful for the treatment and care they received. And, even though Steve is an adult and Pablove Foundation is for Childrens Hospital LA, I feel that any cancer research helps everyone. You really don’t know when it may effect you, a loved one, a friend of a friend. The more we research, we prevail. The more we make families and children comfortable at the hospital, the more they prevail. The more access to treatment, the higher the cure rates. All obvious stuff. All in need of financing. Jeff & Joann deserve your help. They are incredible leaders, fighters, givers and just amazing human beings. They don’t want people to ever have to feel the loss they still feel on a daily basis.
Here are some mothers who unfortunately know cancer. Support them.
You can support below. Jeff Castelaz is riding 3000 miles across the US on his road bike to raise money for Childrens Hospital.
(don’t worry you don’t have to sponsor per mile, but you can)
Or if you cycle you can join the ride in your city (Click here) (THE MORE THE MERRIER) and raise money for yourself HERE (Click here)
I have many friends riding with him. You can make your own group.
If you need resources for you or a loved one, go here
And, lastly i leave you with 3 pictures of Steve’s journey
…full of waiting and wondering and unknown
some pain and frustration (sorry the photo is blown out)
And in Steve’s True nature, some laughter.
Thank you. MUCH.
rainbows
Just thinking today about how much I love the rain. Call me crazy.
It hasn’t rained since Steve was diagnosed.
It felt clean. A fresh start.
With the turning of the seasons, comes the turning of the minds. A revitalization.
I saw this. I’d say it’s straight to the point. AKA poignant. And, although it puts a negative spin on rain, you get the point.
“the way i see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain” – dolly parton
And a picture because lulu always brightens our day when she comes to visit. Even of it’s raining outside and she can’t play. She’ll soon forgot the ‘pain’ once the rainbow comes out.
Wedding | Los Angeles Arboretum Wedding
So I’ve been thinking about this business, this business being photography. And, I’ve been comparing it to my other business, that being TV/commercial production. To say that each is without fault would be impossible. To say that each is with reward is true. Both are creative. Both are difficult. Both are rewarding. Both create a network of not only talented, diligent coworkers, but the added bonus of friends. All the while you also have friends that become clients and clients that become friends.
With photography, however, I have discovered one surprising irony of the so called “competitor”. Human Nature often lends itself to survival of the fittest and fending for oneself. Even though there is this underlying protection of one’s livelihood, there is something more powerful lurking on the sideline that often supersedes fierce unruly rivalry. There is camaraderie. A connection. A nurturing that I have discovered through the majority of my interactions with the “enemy”. It is odd. This “rival” actually supports you. They really want you to do well. They are encouraging and nurturing. They post nice blog comments. They inspire with their work. They share their “secrets” (at least a few). The even care about you personally.
You may ask why is she rambling about this. Well, I have to say Heidi Ryder is one of those people that I am honored to call the “enemy” (although I only wish I was her equal competition). Throughout Steve’s battle with cancer she has checked in, sending good vibes and offers of meet ups for a glimpse of normalcy (one of these days I won’t be so flakey). Just a simple tweet or email to say “hey we are thinking of you”. She is kind. She is fun. She is a real human being. She even did a relay for cancer (including us as a dedication among many others she knows). Steve asked me, “who is this awesome girl”. I replied, “she is the enemy, but ‘we’ like her still”. So, when she asked me to second shoot, I wasn’t sure I could commit so far in advance (like I said, one word, flakey). But the stars aligned (and my day job didn’t get in the way) and I was able to join Ala Cortez, with Heidi for a fun filled day.
It’s fitting that Heidi would have clients of a mirror image. Throughout the day, yes there’s lots of proof below, much fun was to be had. Without a doubt Annie and Robin were as Heidi had promised; fun, loving, full of laughter and kind. There were so many events to be had and so little time. Consequently, I kept my eye open for potential stress. But to my surprise there were constant laughs, lots of love and much kindness. One eventful glorious day…Where the temperament of the three people (Heidi, Annie & Robin rock!) with a potential for stress, was only of peace, joy and happiness.
The Photographer: Heidi Ryder
Caterer: Grace Catering
Florals: Cat Tuong Flowers
Lighting: Mobile Illumination
Venue: Los Angeles Arboretum
DJ: Ernee Felix
Cake: Amor Bakery
2nd Photographers: The Modern Type & me
The day could not begin until the boys paid up. And Stacey (one of the funniest bridesmaids EVER), wasn’t discriminating between forms of payment; and there were lots of them!!
This may have been the ONLY time I caught Annie in deep though (at least without a smile). She is stunning
The Father of the Groom
We traveled to both Annie & Roger’s Homes were the families shared tea & exchanged gifts.
Then we got ready for main event.
See what I mean. Smile.
All of the bridesmaids were caring, nurturing, but of utmost importance FUN!!!!
The Rose Garden at the Los Angeles Arboretum is whimsical and romantic.
Heidi said that Annie & Roger loved color. She wasn’t kidding.
I’d say someone’s done this before, professional.
Don’t worry, she is laughing. I promise.
The flowers were so vibrant. Cat Tuong Flowers may have a future in this. Ya think!
See what I mean. Happiness attracts Happiness.
I mixed up my processing here a bit. I couldn’t stop the romantic in me.
Heidi had so many great ideas. I tagged along and stole some intimate moments.
Stacey. She smiles ALL the time as well.
Almost time.
Did I mention that she is ALWAYS smiling!!!!
I had never seen a ceremony with a Japanese Sensei. It was beautiful.
Can you tell they love color…
Happiness attracts Happiness. (yes, I’m like a parrot)
anne & edgar | wedding
Sometimes I wonder how I got here. Here, next to encouraging creative people. Here, next to people who are making a promise that last a lifetime. Here, next to Love. I am amazed by the generosity of photographers that allow lil ‘ol me to ‘compliment’ (used with hesitation & lightly) their professional work (built from lots of dedication and innate talent). Equally so, I am unequivocally impressed with bride & grooms that, without a blink of an eye, allow us into one of their more intimate and treasured journeys in life.
As a second shooter, duties most often involve assisting a main wedding photographer (no need to elaborate Jasmine Star sorts it all out here). Often there is little or no contact with the bride and groom, especially prior to the big day. The main shooter has built the relationship and most often we are there to help cover the many festivities, fluff a dress, catch a stray hair or carry a bag. So, when a bride & groom are kind, amidst their hectic day, and take a moment to recognize the photographers (and especially the lowly 2nd shooter) it is really something (yes i’m corny). Anne and Edgar were so kind and gracious. Instantly welcoming. Instantly fun. (I know I wasn’t so calm and friendly moments before my wedding). Thank you for having us. Thank you for being so kind. Thank you for beautiful a evening.
You let me share in your story and I hope I’ve done it justice.
Photographer: Jenny Liu
Hotel/Getting Ready: O Hotel
Venue: Union Station – Downtown L.A.
Bride & Groom: Anne & Edgar
The Dress: Nicole Miller
The Planner: Kelly Demaray
These photos: ME
There are the details
There is the dress, go Nicole Miller
There are the socks
There are the little moments of solitude and perfection
There is the getting ready and deep thought
There are the plans and the time
There are the moments of calm simple happiness
There are those that mean so much
There is the first look
There are the stylish fashionable awesome bridal portraits crafted by Jenny Liu
(look closely and see her in action)
There is the place
There are the special friends who share in the moment and speak volumes
There are proud moments
There is the excitement shared by the ones that know you oh so well
There is the leaving of childhood and entering of a new chapter of life
There are the intimate words that mean so much more shared with each other
There are the tears of joy
There are symbols
There are the smiles of joy
There are the looks
Finally, there is the man and wife
We have little touches…
…and grandiose love
We have the fruit of much hard work and planning (via the bride & groom and Kelly Demaray)
We have light
The first as man and wife
There is respect
There are words spoken that had been saved a lifetime
With Cheers…
and more cheers
and finally we have celebration (& plan ‘ol fancy moves)
Last but never least, Jenny. Who has been nothing but nurturing and encouraging to all… brides/grooms/guests and lil ol me
See what i mean….
Can’t resist | lil one
I couldn’t resist, even without words (you know how wordy I can be… oh yes me)
More will be posted soon.
For now, as my grandpa would say, “I speak lil but good”
I just fell in love with her eyes and I had to get these up.
by admin
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